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Writer's pictureOlivia Alexandra Ainger

Regretting the past or being grateful for it?

Updated: Jun 25, 2023


Welcome to the Divine Fertility Messages Blog


My first blog


Blogging for me is actually journalling. Journalling in a way that feels very vulnerable, naked and raw. Putting my thoughts and personal experiences out there. Why am I doing it? Because I’ve noticed that over time, I perceive my personal experiences very differently than others. Whenever I shared what I’ve learned from my experiences, it seems to help people. I can tell by analysing their facial expressions, their pause of taking in an ‘aha’ moment, and sometimes even a birthday note in a card saying ‘thank you for being my work buddy and therapist’.


I know I help people, in a different way


I’ve been guided to now journal for whoever needs to see and not just keep it to myself anymore. Scares me a lot actually, but hey, I only have this life, one day I will die and I want to live in a way that makes me feel peaceful inside, in a way that has meaning. I follow my inner guidance, most of the time, and now I’m sharing my life experience with you.

I now journal in a way that helps you. Hopefully helps resolve many of your unanswered questions. Questions that have been haunting you forever and ever, questions you still have and thinking about them just takes you nowhere. No wonder you feel crazy, you keep repeating the same thing over and over expecting a different result. I am here to help myself and I am here to help you too.


I want to help you

I want to help you. I help you from pulling from my human life experience, from my scientific brain (have been a fertility nurse all my life), and from my spiritual journey, constantly channelling messages for myself and everyone.


I channel non stop and I need to get it out on a page, or a reel, or a story, or a blog as I feel compelled to do it, I feel pushed to do it. Through lots of meditation, self-awareness, self-reflection, and constantly travelling over my timeline in this life and others, seeking answers, I can see more and more clearly, as days go on, that my channelled information is meant to be shared with you, seen by you, heard by you, felt by you.


I knew I didn't fit the mould ...

When I was 13 years old, I attended a Qi Gong course. We did loads of meditation and Tai Chi exercises. There was a meditation that stood out to me and surprisingly I often revisit that memory. A meditation that was focusing on healing the past. I didn’t understand what that meant. I was 13, I didn’t have much of a past, other than having been bullied all my life, knowing I was different, always saying interesting and quirky things, being laughed at, I accepted that, but did bother me. I couldn’t relate or communicate with others without sweating buckets and hearing my own fast heart beat so loud that I couldn’t hear the person speaking to me.

We went in meditation, breathing deeply, in and out, and had instruction to revisit a time in the past that we regretted. I didn’t regret anything as I never knew the concept that I could. Now, as I reflect back on my life …

Do I regret anything?


I could have been different, I could have been a neuro-typical, I could have been like everyone else. But I wasn’t. I was also too young to have been taught by society that I needed to be different than myself in order to be accepted as a member of society, as who I was, deep inside, my pure self, wasn’t good enough, worthy enough, I wasn’t lovable, that I was weak … society taught me that a bit later on.


While everyone was deep in meditation, many of the people there were crying, waling even, snots and tissue boxes flying everywhere, for everyone. I sat in mild disbelief but massive curiosity and extreme compassion and kindness in my heart. I started analysing it, to help myself understand. They were older … a lot older than me. They looked tired, worn out. Gosh, they must have gone through a lot. Is that what society does to you? I asked myself. Or maybe it’s more than just society, it’s their parents, maybe it’s genetics. I’m sure there’s more to it.


What are they regretting? Why are they regretting it? Surely, whatever happens in your life happens for a reason, there isn’t any other way. I knew that as truth, not even a theory, just pure truth. I knew we need to gather lessons from our life and that everything that carries us to a wide range of emotions, be that towards sadness, anger, grief, depression, the lowest of the low or happy, joyful, fulfilled, peaceful, exhilarated and anything in between - all of it, behaviours, actions, things we said, did - all of it - is for us to experience it, to feel it, to see it, to hear it, to learn from it.


So then … why regret it?


Aaahh … let me guess … society taught us to regret it. Because your life is meant to be a certain way, with deadlines at each stage in life, straight As in school, boyfriend by a certain age, engaged by another age, married by another age, 3 kids and a half by another age, same job forever as only that means stability, so on and so forth until you die. That’s a good life, they said. Well … what if, that doesn’t fit the mould, you don’t fit the mould? I’m guessing … if those women who were waling with snots hanging down their chin, lived their life the way they wanted to, they wouldn’t have regretted anything. So, my autistic brain said … by deduction, that only means that I need to live my life based on what I think and feel life is, for myself, and not by the mould, as living by the mould would make me regret it.


Do I regret having autism? Do I regret being quirky? Do I regret being different? Firstly, I tried to change it, didn’t seem to work. And even though I could be like someone that’s not autistic, that never brought me joy. And it always seems that I am at my happiest when I’m myself, quirky, saying things others don’t, seeing the world in a different light that others, doing things others would never expect, sharing my thoughts, sharing my fears, my worries, and also, sharing my brilliance. Within myself, my brilliance is what fulfils me, my brilliance is what makes me … me. My brilliance is channeling messages and sharing them to whoever wants to hear them, to whoever is ready to listen. To whomever’s cup has emptied and is ready to be filled again.


I'm thankful for my past as I am wiser for it

Do I regret all the things I’ve done in the past that made me who I am now? Sometimes I do … but that feeling doesn’t last too long. I am much stronger, much wiser, eyes more opened. I continue to stumble and fall, but every time I do, I decide to stay down and wait, wait until I’m ready to come back up, in my own time, without a rush. And it’s ok, it’s all okay. It’s all a learning lesson that we will understand and absorb sooner or later.




I’m grateful

I’m grateful for my life, I’m grateful for my gift, even though only I know the amount of times I’ve shut it off, thinking it’s a curse, over the years. I am grateful. I’m grateful for being who I am, I’m grateful for all the lessons I’ve learned and continue learning. I’m grateful my fertility journey continues, even though an emotional roller coaster, but regardless, I’m, on most days, at peace with the way things are. My life wouldn’t have been as colourful had I carried on paths that weren’t meant for me. I do follow my own guidance, most of the time, and it’s always led me in the right direction, a blind feeling, raw intuition, pure truth. Now that … I am grateful for.

My message (and action steps) for you:

Be grateful for your past, it’s made you who you are now. You are wiser, stronger, and more beautiful than ever today. Take a moment today, sit quietly, now, and write down a couple of things you regretted from your past … and run across your timeline up to now and find out times where you’re actually thankful for it. It might have ended up worse had it not happened. How did it help manifest more of what you want in your life?


And remember …

You are loved! You are magnificent, you are worthy and beautiful and … you are enough



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